120726 Since when do you call your home as "my parents house" and not "my home" anymore ?

 120726  Since when do you call your home as "my parents house" and not "my home" anymore ?

2305

I don't wish to spend too much time writing for today...because I am quite tired for today ....

I swept the floor in my bedroom..

I ate my brunch...

I helped DB and XHH to bath ...as weekly routine ...

Then I wash my shoe 👟 👟 too...

After that, I took a bath ...then I followed 老佛爷 to go out and work on delivery to four sites...

After that, we went to self collect the KFC order  that we ordered in the App.

Then, I ate a potato bowl at the shop lol ...because I am too hungry hahah...

As usual, I was helping at her shop till night time..

And after we go home, I don't plan to eat anything else before sleep...

......

I also recorded a short video ...but actually quite long since it is already reach 5 minutes ...and 17 seconds...

But pointless to blame myself for talking at slow speed to whatsoever...

I never intended to prepare script or what ...

Because that kind of thoughts and hassle will make me become more reluctant to even record myself in front of my phone camera...

Whatever it is ...

.......

Today I would like to write this down ...

And maybe I will try to think and figure out more tomorrow when I am traveling to my company office or when I go home from my company office ....

>>>>>>>Since when do you call your home as "my parents house" or " my dad's house" or "my mum's house".....since when you don't tell others that you are going back to your home anymore but "my parents house / my mum house".....since when ?........does it happen when you do live separately with your parents or your family ?...I think so ...this is kind of logic ...since when ?.....okay ...to make it clear I change the question ...

Since when do you not saying you are going "home" ?

When we grew up, .....where is it suppose to be our home ?.....

A big question mark .....

I felt like I never belong to anywhere somehow ...

I don't know ...since when I felt like this ...

And I don't have anywhere to go back ...

This just felt like I am forced to eat something I dislike and disgust...

I felt sad and uneasy at the same time ...

But I think about it ...is it important to felt belong to anywhere ?

Is there are importance behind of this ?

Or ....it is just a matter for me but not others.....

Where should I go when I am vulnerable and I want a shelter and something who cherish or support me ?...

Like where ?......

Who ?....

Who will be there ?

Where is the place ?and who will be there?

Am I being accepted ?or I am just getting scold and ...I am not accepted to be weak ...vulnerable ...and .....bad at whatever I am doing ...

I shouldn't be crying now seriously ....

I think I really do love to cry ....a lot ....

I shouldn't be expecting anything right?

They said that if you have expectation, if it doesn't meet your expectation, you will be sad and disappointed.

So I shouldn't have any expectation, I should just live with bare minimum and just go offline one day .....

I really do know how to make myself cry every time .....

It's okay ....

Fine ... tomorrow we figured out this ...and continue to discuss on this ...

I am so tired now ..so I go sleep first ...

Good night ...

.......

Today actually I saw the neighbour's son again ...when I help my pets to bath ....

He was parking his car ...and he was riding his motorbike going out to pack food for his younger sister ....I guess his parents brought his youngest sister went back to hometown to cast votes for state's election ...so he was suppose to take care of his younger sister ...

After he brought back food for his sister, and he drove his car and went out ....

I looked at his hairstyle and his outfit style when he turn around from his backside...

He really looks so similar to 太子爷 lol....

I can imagine that 太子爷also living somewhere in another neighbourhood and something like this ...

Both of them having their friends and having fun in their life by meeting friends or playing basketball with their friends ...

...

Tonight also I saw this one guy which is the second son of the shop's boss beside 老佛爷's shop I guess....

He always ride motorbike and came to his father's shop ...sometimes helping ..sometimes just came to help take care of his youngest sister (baby girl who is almost one year old I guess ).....but the boss and this young baby girl got citizenship here ...the boss's wife is still Indonesian but this guy I am not sure about his citizenship ....but anyway ...

He helped to carry the baby girl .....

This image is like ...I start to think of maybe 太子爷/隔壁小伙/B ....all of them experience this kind of life ....

Because they have huge age gap with the youngest sibling ....

All of them do help to take care of the youngest sister ...

That's why they all will somewhat having 少年感的爹 style ....

Because they are always helping to take care of "others"....

I mean they are somewhat trained to take care of "others"....

They sure do help to carry the youngest baby girl ....so they also trained their arm muscle 💪 somehow ...like automatically subscribe ...to become a nanny trainee or nanny intern I will say ....

That is so cute though......hahahhaha.....

When I tried to imagine the scene.....

That's why 他们都会有一种光环。。。

就是很宠妹妹的光环。。。。

先不说他们长大以后一定会吵架什么的。。

但是前期一定是很宠的呀。。。

原来。。。是这样的。。。

不过我每次都觉得。。一般会就是有gap那么大的弟弟或妹妹。。。

也代表着他们父母是恩爱的。。。

因为恩爱的话相对的就是会do啊。。

Do的话就会有孩子啊。。。

而且如果不恩爱又关系不好，其实很容易流产滑掉孩子的。。

而他们完全都没有。。。就孩子康健的生出来了。。

那就是没有不恩爱没有关系不好没有疏于照顾孕妇。。

所以最小的孩子才诞生了。。。

。。。。

当然其实发现这样的事情。。。

我其实就是有时羡慕嫉妒恨啊。。。

也不至于恨。。。

只是会自刀少少。。。

会哭。。会难受。。

因为那都不是我的。。哈哈哈哈。。。。

我发现了又怎样。。。

那是别人家的事情啊。。。

关我什么事。。。。

我就是个外人哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈。。。

就是那个站在别人家🏠窗户外面的那个经过的小女孩。。。

我没有卖小火柴哈哈哈哈。。。

但是还是觉得好冷。。。

看见别人家里都很温暖的样子。。。

内心觉得特别冷。。。

寒冷。。。

眼泪会流。。。

我会尝到咸咸的眼泪。。。

然后告诉我自己我不稀罕。。

我也没有想要。。。我也不需要。。。

反正不重要。。。苟活一下。搞不好马上就到我offline了。。

我继续苟活吧。。。

就会有时候又觉得。。。

没关系啊。。。。反正那是别人的生活。。。

不关我的事啊。。。

我继续过我的bare minimum 啊。。。

我哭一下哭一下就没事了。。。

所以说不想看不想看。。。就是因为这样。。。

因为看见了知道了别人过的什么日子。。。才知道自己过得什么苦日子。。。

。。。。没有对比没有伤害这句话的含金量还在上升。。。

我其实已经没办法骗自己说“我很好。。。我还好。。。我会变好的。。。”。。。

我自己都骗不到我自己了。。。

我在办公室自己工位上。。我都会默默掉眼泪。。。

我一点都不好。。。我不想变好了。。。我好累。。。

不是因为工作上的事让我哭。。。

只是因为那天空姐说她怎么怎么很多老板找她干活什么的。。

然后说我肯定不行。。像她一样把每天都排满去上班。。虽然她去的是各种活动兼职。。。

是是是，我什么都不够你厉害。。那你养我啊。。

我直接躺平。。你养我就好了。。

你最厉害。。。

我干啥啥不行。。。

你很厉害，你养我就好了。。。

就我知道我不该因为她的话这样哭得。。。

因为别人说你是什么你就是什么了吗。。这个概念。。

其实我不应该因为她说我不行像她那样能干。。

我就破防哭的。。。

我确实不如她那么厉害。。

我确实挣钱也挣没有她多。。。

但是那又怎么了。。

就怎样拉。。。

本来是不该因为她说我不行而破防的。。。

但是我还是会在意她对我的看法。。。

这就是我的错了。。。

是吗。。。

没事的。。。

会没事的。。。

我会慢慢变得越来越不在意别人对我的看法或想法或意见。。。

我只会忠于自己。。。

我自己觉得自己好就好。。。

但是问题出错在我现在并没有觉得自己很好。。

我一直都觉得自己不够好。。。所以。。

这才直接插进我内心了。。。

本来就在流血。。。她那天一句话🔪了我。。。

我整个人都不好了。。

真的很差吧。。。

我甚至觉得自己抗压能力太差。。。

被人说不行就破防哭。。。

呵呵呵呵呵呵呵。。。

好吧。。就这样吧。。

再晚点睡，我明天上班又没精神了。。。

晚安。。。

晚安。。。了。。。

晚安了。。。世界。。。

真的又不是很想明天睁眼了就是。。。

觉得好痛苦。。。

为什么要这样。。。

我已经好久没有期待过明天了。。。

有人可以告诉我期待明天的那种感受吗。。

。。。

还是说其实B早就发现我是个无家可归的可怜人。。。

所以他才一直试图想告诉我。。。

他的家门是为我敞开的。。。

他的家人都可以给我当我的家人。。。

我不用再自己孤独的自刀了。。

因为。。。他想。。。。他想至少陪着我。。

不让我伤害我自己。。。

他是不是太善良了。。。。哈哈哈哈哈哈。。

这都是我幻想的。。。他根本就没有这样。。。的心思。。

是我想多了。。。

那永远只是个梦吧。。。

好运的话会梦到。。。

不好运的话，就靠自己牺牲几个脑细胞幻想出来止痛。。

恩。。。幻想是真的好止疼。。。

也谢谢他们给我那么多的遐想空间。。。

要不是他们给我遐想的空间。。。

我也没法幻想。。没法止痛。。。

谢谢B。。。谢谢太子爷。。谢谢他们。。。

。。。

天啊我想到我在他眼里是那么可悲的一个女人。。。

我更加觉得自己不配又不值得。。。。

我服了。。。

我其实总是在给B找朋友。。。找女朋友。。

其实只是为了掩饰我自己。。。

我可能是想做他朋友。。做他X XX。。。

但我不敢。。我觉得自己不配也不值得他这样对我。。

所以让给别人。。。这些位置通通让给别人。。

我都退位让贤。。。我连妹妹我都可以做。。。

。。。

所以避的远远的。。避不开。。我就推开他。。。

自揭伤疤都想把他吓走。。。

骂他走。。。

什么招都用上了。。。

最后搞成这个样子。。。

都是我的错。。我改不了。。。

我就是改不了了。。。也不想改了。。

真的好想放弃。。。

我就是个爱哭包。。。

我累了。。。

我对不起他我也更加对不起那个想要幸福的我自己。。。

我只是自己跟自己打架就可以蹉跎几十年了。。。

我不想耽误他找寻新的幸福。。。

不一定是我啊。。。

我相信他可以找到比我更好的。。

不需要这样。。。继续看我自刀。。。自己跟自己打架。。

反正都不好看。。。没必要看下去了。。。

就是每天都这样。。。

我自己都已经受不了自己了。。。

你也不要忍耐。。。

想走就走。。不要忍耐。。。知道吗。。